Humbug Reincarnation
by Doppler Effect
Summary: For Christmas, Lavi decides that he, Linali, and Allen will visit Kanda has a re-inaction of Charles Dickon's 'A Christmas Carol'. The Spirits could have done it much better, needless to say.


a/n: This was made pretty well, I think. I watched the movie _Scrooged! _(present-day version of _A Christmas Carol_) and kinda chuckled to myself, thinking I could do something like this. So I did.

I don't own D. Gray-Man. (I do own the invented chambers and interrogation room underneath the Order, however. That doesn't exist, I don't think, in the manga.)

_Stave One_

LAVI'S FORETOLD GHOST

"Gather one! Gather all!" Lavi said with glee, pulling two of his friends close. He the Bookman's apprentice was a bright and intelligent boy, as apt at pulling on guises as you or I can pull on clothes. However, on that moment his joy was not a guise, and indeed true happiness. On a normal occasion, such amounts of it would spread to others and bring about a festive atmosphere. But not this time, for his friends had learned that when Lavi had that much enthusiasm, it would be a fright. "Christmas Eve is upon us, and so is the bane of all good cheer. For this joyful season, we should bring it upon ourselves to lighten the heart and brighten the spirits of Kanda Yuu."

"How fast are we going to die?" Allen asked as swift as his tongue could work. The white haired lad was a friend to both the apprentice and to the spoken-of Yuu (who, actually, preferred the name Kanda, but this was not a fact acknowledged by Lavi), as well as Linali Lee, who shall be further mentioned. He was quick to laugh and had a witty tone when he required one, but was also smart enough to recognize when a well-meaning joke, particularly one by Lavi, could be easily taken too far.

"Quite slowly."

To an outsider who had not yet met Kanda, and had only heard this one conversation about him up until now, they would think this would be an overstatement, or just a sarcastic remark. No one kills their friends for a simple prank!, they might say. When it came to any normal circumstance, they would be right. Not when it came to Kanda, the black-haired katana-wielding Exorcist, however. Kanda, unlike his friends, was a harsh-spoken man who was quick to anger. He solved every problem he could with violence, relying on his sword, lovingly called Mugen, to do his bidding. He could just as easily handle himself in a fist fight, too, but his Mugen was almost an extension of his arm. It always rested in his hand, on his waist, or behind his back beneath his long hair.

Linali sighed, and called over her shoulder as she began to walk away, "If you're going to do something dangerous, at least warn me so I can try and lessen the outcome."

The fourth member of the team was Linali. Her brother, Komui Lee, was overprotective, but for little reason. Her Innocence carried her far and wide, and it was as strong and sharp a weapon as any ever made, if not stronger and sharper. She quelled arguments between her friends, and was an open ear for anyone. She was light-spirited, and was the kind of person who others would act their best around.

"But-But Linali!" Lavi protested. His boisterous ideas had been denied before, but he never stopped trying. "You don't want to help cheer Kanda up?" Cheering Kanda up was an idea that anyone sane would tuck into a file labeled 'Don't Try', and was nearly impossible. If one wanted to make Kanda truly happy, they would take him to a secluded area where he would not have any other human within miles, and then give him an army to slash away at with his Mugen.

"I think he just wants to be left alone."

"Lavi, he does like his solitude," Allen agreed, "and I don't want to be killed as a Christmas present from Kanda."

"Would you just _listen_ to what I have to say? Please! I promise, no one will get hurt! It might even benefit other people instead of just Kanda!" Lavi begged.

Linali sighed. The only way to convince the teenager would be to show him how bad of an idea it would be. "What are you planning to do?"

Lavi beamed, happy they were listening, even if he knew they still weren't convinced on doing it. Allen had stopped on general principles of wanting to hear about whatever Lavi was going to do to his nemesis. "Okay, so I read this story a while back. The Panda made me read it. I happened to remember it, and I was thinking we could do what they did in the book to Kanda."

Allen glanced at the table Lavi had been previously sitting at. It was covered in books, and chunks of the library walls surrounding it seemed to have just been taken out and dropped onto the table. One book in particular caught his gaze, and he sighed. "_A Christmas Carol_ by Charles Dickens?"

Lavi's grin extended. "Exactly."

Allen gave him a level look. The idea was becoming less and less likely the more it was elaborated. For once, he wished his friend would act sane and not do anything that would irk Kanda. "And just how are you planning on pulling this off?"

Linali frowned. "Isn't that the story where Ebenezar Scrooge is haunted by three ghosts until they make him a better person?"

"Exactly! There's three of us!"

"But Lavi, in the beginning, Scrooge's old partner also appeared. There's not another one of us, and we don't know anything about his past either. Besides, the ghosts were able to get Scrooge through the visions because he couldn't do anything to him. Kanda, on the other hand, can do a lot to us, and he has a convenient weapon of choice at his disposal." Lavi started to interrupt to contradict a point, but before he could, Linali added, "We can't steal Mugen from him either. He'll ignore us and just go after it."

Lavi paused for a second. He didn't like having his plans contradicted, even if by doing so however had disagreed saved his neck. "Well…"

Allen shrugged. "It was fun planning, but she's right. Planning's as far as we're going to get."

Lavi wasn't so intent on giving up, however. "We don't have to do his past from his childhood. How far back do we know him?"

The other two exchanged glances, and thought.

"A few years…"

"About a year."

"Same." Lavi nodded. "Linali, how did you two meet?"

Linali shook her head. "Just as passing Exorcists. We didn't really meet until we went on a few missions together."

"And we all know how he met Allen…" Lavi thought. "We could use that as his past, so we can give that one to Allen."

"Does this mean I get my revenge?"

"Yes, Allen, it does."

"Awesome. This is a great idea." He said it in a tone with no emotion, but he truly did mean the words. Anything to get back at the annoying Exorcist who insisted on calling him names. Although it wasn't like Kanda just gave names to him. Anyone who stuck around long enough and deeply raised the ire of him would get some nickname. Allen's was Moyashi, a Japanese word for 'beansprout' that was also used to describe weak little boys who couldn't do anything for themselves.* Lavi's was Usagi, meaning 'rabbit'. Both of these were usually preceded by 'baka', or 'idiot'.

Linali hesitated. "What are you going to do for the ghost of Christmas Yet To Come? That'll be the easiest, I assume."

"I was thinking you could do that one, Linali," the redhead said. "Want to?"

"I'm afraid of what will happen if you do it. You still haven't said how we'll convince him to go along with this."

"Oh, there will be no convincing, I assure you. I'll do the ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. He can't just interact with us alone, so we'll have to ask some other people to lend a hand. I'm sure there's no lack of Finders and scientists who would want to help if we asked. I think we can convince your brother to help too, but in a way that it'll also convince him to get back to work. I know the higher ups will have our heads if they figure out what we're doing, so I was thinking we can use the underground caverns."

Underneath the Black Order Headquarters, there are several underground caverns where the people can retreat from a fight while the Exorcists take care of the intruders. On a few occasions, when a human working for the Millennium was caught, interrogation rooms down there were used. While the caverns themselves could only be opened once closed from the inside, the interrogation rooms in the chambers are the exact opposite.

"We can probably get a scientist to help us with that, since we have video surveillance down there we'll have to take care of," Lavi added. "Now, Allen, do you think Timcanpy will be willing to help?"

"Yeah, why?"

"We need him to video tape."

"You want him to tape Kanda murdering us?"

"No, but…"

Unbeknownst to them several hours later, the ghost of Marley was in fact visiting Kanda, just without the chains. While it wasn't Marley himself, still wandering after a hundred years, it was the equivalent of Marley's message.

Kanda gave a resentful glare to Louvelier. "I don't want a damn apology."

"You don't?"

"Why the hell would I. It's not like anyone who was involved cared then, or does now. If you're just going to lie, then you're wasting both of our times. If that's it, I'm going."

"Then we're agreed on that matter," Louvelier said grimly, "but it's been requested that apologies be sent out to each of the Exorcists who were tested on, and to each of the families whose children died in tests."

"Then we're done?"

Louvelier didn't say anything for a moment. "There are people involved who truly are sorry for what happened, especially in the case of your friend, Alma Karma."

The glare went up a few more notches. Then he snarled, "No, you're not, and neither are they. You're only upset because we were the first ones to fight back, and because of your stupidity and ignorance everybody else in there died."

Louvelier didn't respond to this, but apologized again and then left from the room he had pulled Kanda inside into. A line of fire followed him, inspired by Kanda's gaze. After a minute, Kanda left as well, still furious. After all this time, and they had the nerve to bring it up now. They just couldn't leave well enough alone.

He stepped out into the hall, and frowned as the lights went out. From the lack of shouts or cries from elsewhere in the building, he assumed it must have only been in that corridor. His mood quickly hitting rock bottom, he walked along the halls. Unable to distinguish floor from ceiling, wall from air to each other, he moved slower than he would've liked to avoid running into something. Nevertheless, he still walked into one wall head-on and brushed several on the sides.

It occurred to him that it might be a good idea to simply wait for the lights to come back on, but the idea of waiting did not appeal to him.

Finally, he reached the end of the unlighted corridor. The thought that Lavi had definitely had something to do with this occurred to him before he felt something hit him in the back of the head.

"Lavi… What. Have. You. Done," Allen demanded. He spaced out his words to make it more firm.

Lavi had one hand sticking out to his side, arm supporting Kanda. Even unconscious, he still bore a scowl. As soon as he had come near the light, Lavi had knocked him out before he could see who was on the other side. Linali and Allen had been told about the lack of lights part of the plan, but Lavi had left out the part where he hit their friend.

"Well, it's not like we could say, 'Hey, guess what, we're having a party down in the interrogation room, wanna come see what's going on?' and get him to go with us. I mean, what else were you planning on doing?"

"This was your idea!" Allen hissed. "Don't put the blame on us by saying we should have come up with something!"

"I'm not, because _I_ came up with something! Look, we can just drag him down to the room-"

"Lavi!" Linali interrupted, a scold in her voice. "That was not necessary. Yes, it could've been hard, but there are other ways to get him down there. Not to mention, this was one of the worst ways to go about it."

"Aw, don't tell me after all that planning you two are siding with him now!"

"He has a faster healing rate than normal!" she reminded. "He'll wake faster than anyone else would if they were knocked out. We probably only have minutes to get him down there, and it takes at least ten to get there without carrying someone. It'll take twenty to thirty at this rate if we have to avoid everyone we see so no one asks why we're carrying him down there."

Lavi hesitated, his idea in shambles. "Well…" he said haltingly, "what are we supposed to do then?"

Allen sighed in defeat. "This was all you could thing of?"

Linali thought for a second, and then gave an uncharacteristic smirk. "Lavi," she said, getting the other two's attentions, "lean him against wall in the shadow-_gently_, if you drop him and he wakes up there won't be enough left of you to bury-and then go around the corner closest to him. Allen and I will go down a bit to that one," she continued, pointing to a corner farther down the hall. "When Kanda wakes up, he won't be looking for us that far down the corner, and we'll motion to you. You'll have to stand far enough down your own hall so he can't see you, but close enough that we can get an angle where we can see you. When he wakes up, we'll wave at you, and then you start running down the hall. He'll hear your footsteps and try to murder you."

Lavi dryly replied, "So all I have to do is make sure I get to the interrogation room before he gets to me?"

"Yup," Allen replied. "We'll take the shorter route, make sure everything's set up, and wait for your arrival."

Lavi looked like he was in pain, as if the future would be too much for him to bear and was seeping through into the present. There is a likely chance that that was indeed the case.

When Kanda opened his eyes, the first thing that flashed through his head was that Lavi would not be having a merry Christmas, nor would he be having a live one at all. The next thing that he was aware of was the drumming headache he had, although it was starting to diminish already.

After a short pause, small enough to not be noticed by one just coming into the waking world, followed the moment in which he awoke before a set of running footsteps took off down the nearest hallway.

Kanda pushed off the wall behind him and took off running after the steps. He flew around the corner, and glimpsed a redhead disappearing in a frenzy around a corner. With murder in his eyes and thoughts, he ran after him.

If he had looked back, he would've seen Allen lying on the floor, with only his head poking out to watch for Kanda so he would be able to sign to Lavi.

The second they saw Kanda disappear after Lavi, Allen scrambled up off the floor and followed Linali as she hurried to reach the caverns before the other two did. Some scientists who were in on it waved at them as they ran past, snickering to themselves.

Minutes later, they pushed past the heavy double doors into the cavern, and hurried in. The long, tall halls echoed as they ran through them, and gave a fall-out building look. After another minute of hurrying through, and Linali slipped off to one side while Allen pushed open the door to the interrogation room. He ran away from it, back the way they had come, and followed Linali as they slipped away to hide in a small alcove as they waited.

Barely seconds later, Lavi shot past them with Hell itself on his heels. Kanda came riding the demons of Hell, brandishing Mugen as he did.

Lavi shot into the interrogation room, and Kanda skidded to a halt. The strangeness of the situation had made itself apparent ever since the lights had gone out, and now it was screaming at him. Not only had he pulled him down to this place of all weird places, there was also a light on inside. Lavi went ahead, throwing the door aside, and hiding behind the table inside. He ducked down, only leaving his one good eye visible as he hid from Kanda's wrath.

"Kanda, don't you think you're being a bit harsh?" Lavi squeaked.

Screw the strangeness (and the older-time speech in the narrative). Kanda jumped forward, through the door, and slashed at Lavi with Mugen. The redhead ducked just in time to save his head, and scrambled under the table. Kanda went around, stabbing at him as he went. Lavi scrambled out again, and the two circled the table. Kanda kept his back to the door, and Lavi tried to make a break for it several times, keeping in the back of his head the knowledge that Allen might get bored and decide to shut both of them in there. Kanda made the decision about when to run for him by jumping onto the table and sliding off it, on Lavi's heels as he scrambled away.

With a yelp, Lavi made a frantic jump for the door, and landed on his face. Kanda lunged for his fallen prey, only to have Allen shut the door before him. Linali sighed, wondering how she had gotten into this again.

Lavi got up off the floor, brushing himself off as he went. He slumped against the door in relief. "Well, that could've been worse."

Mugen went up to its hilt through the door beside Lavi's head. He gave another yelp and jumped away from the door. A thud came from the other side as Kanda slammed his foot into it, and yanked his sword back out.

"Okay, we better hurry before he demolishes the door," Lavi said. "Everything ready?" Linali nodded, and they went into the observation room next door to the room Kanda currently was in.

"He is going to murder us when he gets out…" Allen muttered.

"Let's hope he's so angry he makes it quick. Maybe Komui will choose that day to make a Komulin, and he'll be distracted enough that we can slip away," Lavi suggested.

Inside the observation room it was cramped. There was barely enough space for the three of them, and Allen had brought Timcanpy in earlier. Now he flew into a small hole they had made in advance, and started projecting.

A small screen came up onto one side of the wall in the room Kanda had been enclosed into. Ignoring it, he turned and stabbed his katana into the opposite one. He drew it back out again, but unfortunately found no blood on it. He went back to the door, and started hacking at it, but found that it was of a stronger material than he had expected, being typical of anything Order-made: strong and durable.

Lavi's voice came out of a crack in a wall, the same place the screen was being projected from, saying, "The sooner you pay attention, the sooner we'll let you out."

In the observation room, he was forced to his knees as Mugen seemed to materialize over his head.

_Stave Two_

THE SPIRIT OF RANTING

Kanda could tell where this was all going as soon as the narratives started, and was going to take up Bookman's reading preferences with him later. If he wanted to read that story about the stupid ghosts, then he should at least not share it with his over imaginative apprentice.

" 'On a cold, clear night in early March'-" the narrative coming from the wall abruptly halted, and there were sounds of paper being shaken. "Lavi, what the hell is with this script?"

Lavi whispered in a hiss, "Nothing, just keep going!"

"But it wasn't cold! It wasn't even really cool!"

"Then just take that word out!"

"But it wasn't clear either! I distinctly remember clouds, 'cause I had trouble seeing the handholds on the cliff."

"Okay, then just say 'On a night in early March'. Just keep going!"

"It wasn't even in March!"

"Then-"

"The hell with it. Kanda, whenever you get this message, and whenever you get out of Lavi's plan, please remember that Linali and I were perfectly content with leaving you alone for Christmas. Lavi had to go and be a pain, though."

"Hey! Show some teamwork!"

"I am, that team just doesn't exactly include you."

Lavi sighed. "Just do your part."

Allen dropped a sheet of papers, if Kanda judged correctly what the rustling sounds were. "Not with the stupid script, I'm not."

"But you have to do it like it's from that time or the effect is ruined!"

"The point is, we're _not_ in that time! That was, what, a hundred years ago?"

"About sixty."

So far, no video had been shown except for a simple black screen, but the voices continued.

"Whatever. Now, do you want me to do this or not?" Evidently, Allen had gotten Lavi to be silent for the time being, and didn't speak for a while. "Okay, so, I think the script said something along the lines of, in present speak, you basically attacked me with a sword on the word of a gate. Kanda, it was a _gate_. Why, _why_, did you feel possessed to attack me-with a _sword_ nonetheless-on the word of a gate? Did you see that gate? It still complains to me whenever I go near it! It is not exactly the smartest thing. So I guess Komui did have a word in it too, but he's… well, I don't need to say anything else. He could get away with anything illegal because the court would have to rule that he was under the influence of coffee or lack of that and sleep.

"Based on that, my first experience of this place was you trying to take my head off. I've heard from plenty of Finders that they've been harassed by you too! You really need to stop traumatizing the newbies, Kanda, or we're going to have to build a mental institution in the building for convenience's sake."

"Umm… Allen?" Lavi spoke up.

"What?"

"It's supposed to be Christmas Past, not a session where you can just spend half an hour, more or less, ranting at him."

"Oh. Right. Was there anything else I was supposed to mention in the script?"

A pause, followed by the shuffling of papers.

Muffled voices followed. "What _is_ most of this script?"

"I don't know, I must've grabbed some papers off the bottom of where it was sitting. This looks like some long math equation…"

"I think you were drooling on this one…"

"Ew. Just... move that aside."

"Gladly."

"Maybe we should just go to that video footage."

"Better than this."

Kanda tapped his fingers impatiently. If this could be any more of a waste of time, he would be shocked.

The screen finally turned from simple blackness. Images flickered onto the wall, one after another. It looked like they had been on a computer screen, and Timcanpy had taped the transitioning images. From what little he could see behind the computer screen, it looked like they were doing it in Komui's office.

Pictures of the Order flashed by one after another. Picture of the building, strong and intact, were followed by other pictures of the Order, where walls had been destroyed from Kanda's training. In one of the after images, Kanda recognized the scene, and noted aloud to the idiots on the other side of the wall that it had been from a Komulin.

A few more images passed, ones that were probably good examples to someone who actually cared, but they soon became farther apart as the person who put them together began to run out of ideas. After the first six minutes, all hope had been abandoned, and the people behind Tim as he filmed even started to make snide comments.

"What was that, Lavi?" Allen asked, snickering.

"It looked like some sort of food…" Linali said.

"I don't know," the redhead admitted.

"Wait, what was that picture doing in there? I think I remember it from somewhere…"

Kanda could almost hear Lavi looking at the white head in worry. "I sure hope not," he said slowly. "That wasn't exactly a place you should've been in…"

"Oh, you probably got this from Tim's archives from when we were travelling with Cross, didn't you? I owe twenty hundred guineas to that spot in particular. It would've been more, but we got chased out pretty fast after the incident with the…" He muttered something inaudible.

"The what?" Lavi asked.

"Uh," Allen said, chuckling dryly. "Nothing. Um, the tuning fork."

"The _what_?"

"Hey, that looks like Komui's desk!"

"That was."

"But it was _clean_."

"Yeah, before Kanda."

"… Lavi, I don't think Kanda had anything to do with the state of Komui's desk, and I'm not sure you have your timeline right either."

"Lavi," Linali spoke up, "was that a horse?"

"Uh, I wasn't watching."

"Considering what the rest of this video has been like, I think there's a likely chance that it was," Allen agreed. "Should we just call it quits here?"

"Yeah, most likely. Remember your ending line!"

"What ending line? I have an ending line?"

"I think so…"

"Okay, well, Kanda, you must have had a very strange past, what with the maiming of me, traumatizing of others, and horses and tuning forks, but I'm going to have to turn this narrative over to Li-"

Lavi made a short, reminding cough.

"Er, over to the Ghost of Christmas Present."

Lavi made an approving sound.

_Stave Three_

THE SPIRIT TO HAVE AN IDEA OF WHAT THEY'RE DOING

"Kanda," Linali's voice said, "I'm here to present to you Christmas Present. Let me just tell you that we couldn't convince Lavi out of it. I'm very sorry."

"Why do you two make it sound like this was all my fault?"

"Because it was," the other two deadpanned.

"On Christmas day, across the world, kids will be jumping out beds and dragging their parents downstairs to open their presents," Linali continued. "In the Order, we're all going to be sleeping in until it's practically the next day. Except for the science teams, of course, but they don't really sleep at all." The image flashed to Komui's office, where the back of his head was slightly visible around the scores of paper. Reever walked into view, dropped a packet of papers off, and left, too tired to reprimand his superior for sleeping. The packet unbalanced the rest of the stack, and a landslide fell on top of Komui's head.

The scene cut to the kitchen. "Jerry will be up, but I guess he'll be the only other person. We can safely be assured that we'll have plenty of food for Christmas with him taking care of it. How long that food will last with Allen around is up for debate, but if he sleeps in longer than the rest of us we can all probably get a mouthful in before he takes the rest of it."

"Why didn't we have her do all of this?" Allen muttered honestly to Lavi.

"Because we didn't think of it before."

"Why not?"

Linali ignored her friends, and the scene jumped again. Now, it just flickered through the halls, occasionally passing over people's heads, as Linali had simply directed Tim to go through the halls for footage.

"By the time the Order is up, people will bustle around, find their friends, and, if they have any here, their family. They'll wish them and random strangers a Merry Christmas, and then continue on their way. We don't have an official Christmas tree anywhere, but there's plenty of small ones around the Order that people will celebrate and pass presents around. Even though they're not supposed to, some will call home, and see how things are going. Others will have requested missions in certain places, and will sneak out to be home physically to give a surprise to anyone they want to visit. Kanda, I know you don't like the festivities, but nothing you do is ever going to stop the flow of this.

"Christmas isn't really about the frivolities, or the socializing. When people hear music, they like to dance and sing to it**. After a joke, they laugh. If they hear something sad, they cry. Christmas is just a time for them express emotion. It and New Year's are just a time for them to let everything go. It's a time they can mark, and triumphantly say they made it through another year. It's a time to look back on the year and reminisce on everything that happened, and make amends for anything that happened or that didn't. The joy isn't a celebration that they went out and got a pine tree. The pine tree's just a symbol for the time."

_Stave Six_

THE VISION INTO THE FUTURE OF WHICH LAVI IS NO LONGER A PART OF

"Darn, you put the rest of us to shame," Lavi said. "Maybe we should've had you gone last, Linali. I'm pretty sure you did it better than the rest of us did."

"Oh, you haven't gone yet, Lavi. Don't judge quite yet."

"Although we did cast him correctly, since his idea of a good time for Christmas is definitely as scary as Charles Dickens depicted the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come," Allen muttered. The screen had faded into the dark again, and their voices were once again the only thing coming from the golem.

"So… Christmas Yet To Come… Erm, okay. In the future, many things will happen. … … Oh damn, this was so much easier for that creepy cloaked guy, 'cause Scrooge was practically dead and he could work with that, but if Kanda's dying any time soon then the world's probably ending. There's no way we'd get that lucky."

"Lavi!"

"Sorry, sorry. So, we can assume that by the time you're older, you'll be even snappier since by then we'll have managed to pull a multitude of crap on you like this. I bet one of us will probably even be dead or something 'cause you finally managed to kill us with one of your death ray looks."

"That's you, Lavi," Allen helpfully pointed out.

"Yeah, probably. And then we'll still be trying to persuade you that not everyone's an idiot, but it still won't work 'cause you'll still say that _we're_ idiots, so why would you listen to us anyway. Well, why would you listen to them, since we've established that I'll no longer be among the living. It's around this time when the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come shows Scrooge-in this case, you-a bunch of people who are basically laughing at his death, but that doesn't really work, as we've already established, and I can't say that people are scoffing at you as is because you already know that, and we can all see how much you care about what people think about you."

"Hey, Lavi?" Allen asked.

"Yeah?"

"Where the hell are you going with this?"

"I don't have a clue, but it's kinda fun."

"…Right."

"Now, sadly, we have another problem coming 'round the corner. Actually, it's already here, but it sounds better if I say it's coming 'round the corner. You see, the purpose of us bringing you here and dragging you out of doing whatever you usually do was basically to try to brighten your day, even if it really just ended up being comedy central for us. Well, for them, since you were chasing me around and trying to lop my head off."

"Lavi, aren't you the ghost of Christmas _Yet To Come_?"

"Shh! Don't interrupt! I'm finally getting somewhere with this!"

"I can't wait to see."

"As I was saying, the problem is… Christmas Yet To Come will be exactly the same as it is now. Like Linali said, there's nothing anyone can really do about it. You'll still be here, sulking as always, Allen will go sit at the end of a line of food and eat as it comes to him, and Linali will take care of everyone like normal. I'll probably be hanging around somewhere as a ghost, 'cause God knows Gramps won't let me pass on until I've done everything he wants me to do. Where _was_ I going with this?"

"Something about a problem," Linali reminded. Somehow, this actually seemed like it would take off the ground and take flight as a speech.

"Oh, right. The problem will be, by the time Allen's anywhere near content with his stomach level, if we want you to get in the Christmas mood, we'll probably have to get you some eggnog-"

One could almost hear Allen and Linali exchange exasperated looks.

"-and it'll be long gone inside Allen's stomach by that time, so it doesn't work. But we can always try to help and give you some pleasure, even if that usually ends up with us being chased around and mauled by your sword."

"What kind of speech was that?" Allen asked.

"I don't know. I thought I was going somewhere with it, but apparently not. Didn't we have some video footage for this one?"

Timcanpy showed about five seconds of a feed of Komui's room, in which nothing could be seen but paperwork. A hand was sticking out of one part, a gruesome sign of how the war went between Komui and the paperwork.

"Huh. Okay, so… That's it, then?"

"Lavi, I am never listening to you again," Allen flatly said.

"Yeah, I figured. So, what now?"

"We let Kanda out," Linali said firmly, leaving no doubt from any hope of simply abandoning him down there. Lavi and Allen turned to face each other, and duked it out in a battle of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Linali sighed, and called to Kanda, "I'm sorry about this, we'll get you out of there in a second." He didn't move. He had been leaning against the wall, his back to them.

"I think he's sleeping," Lavi whispered. "We might be saved."

Linali rolled her eyes, and gestured for them both to leave. Lavi opened the door, and stepped out. Allen raised his hand, and Timcanpy flew onto it briefly before taking back into the air. Linali followed him out. Lavi took one look at his rock, and Allen's paper, and sighed. "Damn."

Allen took off running, shouting a good luck to Lavi.

Lavi yelled back, "Hey, get back here!" He shot off after him.

Linali shook her head, and simply opened the door.

_Stave Five_

THE END OF ALL INVOLVED (MOST LIKELY IN A LITERAL SENSE)

Twelve hours later, having managed to avoid Kanda for the entire time, Allen and Lavi looked nervously at each across the table. As soon as they'd realized Linali wasn't with them when they were running, they worried about what they'd done. They'd seen her some time later, however, and had apologized multiple times and asked her if she was actually alive and not a ghost.

They knew they couldn't outrun Kanda forever, but they could certainly try.

Komui passed them, a coffee mug in his hands. He paused, and then sat down next to them. "I have to tell you about something strange that happened yesterday." Allen and Lavi exchanged a glance, but said nothing. "I fell asleep at some point while I was doing my paperwork, and I'm positive there wasn't much left. Really, there couldn't be all that much left, just a few piles. And then I woke up, and I was completely buried. And before you say different, I _was_ awake! But that wasn't the weirdest thing. I went to sleep again later, and when I woke up, I was in the interrogation room down in the chambers downstairs. And my team had apparently decided to do some sort of Christmas Carol thing, and pretended I was Scrooge, because they played this video where they went through the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future."

"Yet To Come," Lavi corrected.

"Yeah, that. It was weird… And there were marks on the door like someone had stuck a mountain lion in there."

"Close enough."

"What?"

"Never mind. Have you spoken to your team about it?"

"No… I'm not sure I should. What if they decide to do it to me again?"

Allen and Lavi exchanged another look. Allen replied slowly, "Why would they do it to you again?"

"Well, what if I talk to them and they decide I didn't learn the first time?"

"Well…" Lavi said. "Did you?"

"Yes! I have to do something to get rid of the paperwork!"

"Like…?" Allen asked.

"I don't know, but I'll come up with something!"

Allen and Lavi exchanged glances a third time. This one had a bit of worry in it.

"Hey, have you seen Kanda recently?" Allen asked as offhandedly as he could.

"No, why?"

"We're a bit afraid he's going to kill us," Lavi said honestly.

"Why?"

"Well, what else is he going to do on his Thursdays?" Allen said, trying to joke. His forced laugh sounded like a dying cat.

"Right now, I have to take out the trash," a voice growled behind them. Allen and Lavi froze. Komui looked up at the angry Exorcist, and wisely scooted away from the other two.

"Oh, hi, Kanda, what happened to you? You look angrier than usual."

"If you two ever stick me in there again and do some shit like that, there won't be enough for a funeral left," Kanda snarled, and stalked off.

Lavi and Allen looked at each other. Then both began sobbing. "We're alive!"

"Stuck him where?" Komui asked.

Lavi gave a small laugh. "Hehe… Um… Nothing."

Komui departed with a wave, and Lavi and Allen started a hushed conversation. "Is it just me… or did Kanda seem to be really lenient on us?"

"Maybe… we actually accomplished what we were trying to do?" Allen responded.

The two looked back at Kanda, who, from his retreating backside at least, still looked as gruff as ever.

The two looked back at each other. "Maybe just a little, but enough to save our hides?" Allen suggested.

A thought occurred to Lavi. "Was he even sleeping?"

*Yup. I'm learning Japanese, and asked what the exact definition of this word was. That's what my teacher said. Makes a bit more sense now that he always calls him that, eh?

**Even if people like my mom should do neither.


End file.
